After heading back to the hotel after driving down the same narrow stretch of road AGAIN. We were taken to a different Riad closer to the airport in the Medina. It was nice to have a change of scenery but by this point we really wanted to just get home.

So after another chicken tagine we settled down to another early night for our 8am airport pick up.

Tuesday

After checking in we headed to passport control. As we were queuing I heard an officer say my name. ‘Uum, that’s me!’ I said ’You have a leak in your bag come with me’. ‘A leak?’. Jo and I looked at each other both knowing it could only be one thing- my gun.

I have been travelling and performing with my Olympic starting pistol for 18 months. It’s a stunt gun that allows you to put in tiny gold bullets which go BANG in the chamber, the snout of the gun is filled in so you can’t shoot anything out of the end. Sounds scary, I know, but its totally legal to buy if its for dramatic purposes. Which is obviously what I use it for.

I had been questioned before about it in Sarajevo (see blog) but once I explained they quickly let me go…

Why not use a plastic gun? Well cap guns don’t make as bigger a noise (part of the dramatic effect) and plus I have struggled to find one that looks the right period. Anyway when we landed in Marrakech on exiting the airport we had to pass through a X-ray. I got a girl to explain to the guard in French what I was carrying. I’m not sure if he fully understood, but he put my bag through the X-ray and then let us go.

Cherry and I were then marched towards about 5 guards all gathered around my suitcase. I started shaking. I knew I could explain the gun, but bloody-hell I had perhaps not through this through fully. I was asked to open the suitcase where I scrabbled around to find the gun which was buried in my selection of polyester dresses and covered in glitter. I handed it over to the guard explaining it was for a photoshoot. I frantically went through my purse looking for my business card which has a picture of a gun shooting a lipstick on it to try and back up my claim. Some guards seemed relaxed, others were sent off to get the head officer of the airport.

We were assured we would still be able to get on our flight, but I was bricking it. We were supposed to have left Morocco three days previously- how could things keep on going wrong?

Time was ticking towards our flight time, after sniffer dogs were set on my cases we were taken through passport control to an office. On the way an officer hilariously grumbled ‘My hands are covered in glitter from your gun, my wife will suspect me of being with another woman’. Funny the moments of comedy you can find when things seem to be going from bad to worse.

At the head office there was even a more gruff looking moustached officer inspecting my gun while other gathered around. Crap- it does look real I though as he sprung out the barrel to poured out the tiny gold bullets. And then it hit me ‘I bought a GUN to Africa. SHIT I AM A TOTAL IDIOT’. I was asked why I had not declared it. ‘I told the guard when I arrived!, check the CCTV!’

After more waiting, no one seemed to be able to tell us if we were allowed to get on the flight, or explain to us what was going on. Then we had to go hand over our digital cameras.

This humourless guard started flicking through our pictures. Shit it. I had one private picture on there- nothing super explicit, but private none the less exposing one teeny nipple.

‘Where was this taken?’ he demanded.

‘In London‘ I replied. Things were getting serious now- Morocco has very strict pornography laws which can lead to jail sentences. I felt physically sick with dread especially when he came to innocent pictures of us in the bath that had been taken in the Riad.

One of the pictures that caught the policeman's eye...

another nice bathroom that almost got us into trouble!

It became obvious I was not going to be able to get on my flight and I asked them if they could let Cherry go- thankfully they said yes, as I had been the one carrying the ‘firearm’. She did not want to leave but I insisted, I felt sure it would get resolved and I hated to delay her any further. It was awful though, even though I knew she should go I still had to turn my back when she headed towards the gate, I was pretty scared.

After another half hour of waiting and more questions about pictures on my camera, and after being formally arrested for bringing an undeclared firearm into the country I called Alan the photographer, explained the situation and he swiftly called his contact at the British Embassy.

Matthew from  the embassy called me back about ten minutes later. I can’t tell you how nice it is to hear a reassuringly British voice, when you have been arrested by Moroccan Police. I half sobbed down the phone, while he said he would call the airport to find out what was going on as they were telling me very little.

Then one of the guards said ‘Come with me’.

‘Where are we going?’

‘Just come’.

Then my phone rang and it was Matthew the consulate.

‘Will you tell the consulate where we are going?’

The guard shook his head. We were heading towards an empty gate with a plane with two policeman out side.

Oh god- hey are putting me on a plane to PRISON! I started crying as I tried to drag my two suitcases across behind the police man and I kept asking ‘Where are you taking me!?’. We got closer to the plane and my heart skipped a beat. Then I was lead to a rather boring office downstairs and told to wait. I felt like a idiot. Almost as stupid as a burlesque dancer, who takes a gun to Morocco for a photo shoot, and then thinks they are going to get flown to a secret prison, where she would most undoubtedly be tortured and never seen again. But I tell you fear does quite warp ones mind to dramatics.

More waiting. I was told to stay in a room with two guards, who were very nice and one started laughing when I told him the story, which made me feel slightly better. I then had to sign a statement. It was written in French- so my GCSE came in a bit handy, although I refused to sign it at first without the consulate. They said they could not take me to the station to meet the until I signed it, so I did.

Then after 6 hours of waiting I was put in the back of a Police van and driven to the main Police station in the famous market square Jemma El Fna. I just kept thinking ‘I can’t believe it has come to this!’.

When I arrived Matthew the consulate was there waiting for me on the steps- god was I glad to see him!

We went into a another office where I was relieved the atmosphere was a lot more jovial. Alan had dropped off copies of the pictures of me standing ‘Bond Girl’ style with the gun and the Police found the whole thing hilarious, I was obviously not your usual arms smuggler. At this point I did not know whether to laugh or cry. It was the first time I had seen the pictures too- at least they were good!

The police at the station could not have been nicer, I was handed water and they even sent a boy out to buy me hot biscuits from the market. Arrest hospitality! I had to explain why I had the gun, with Matthew translating the facts again, while some of the officers rather distractingly played with my gun and pretended to shoot each other round corners Bond style.

After 2 hours, and more statement signing, it was agreed that I could be released but they would have to hold onto my passport while my gun was sent off for analysis in Rabat. Phew. But there was still an outside chance it could go to court. Shit.

However Matthew was so nice, and having an articulate, kind man with me made me realise that sometime its jolly good to be British and have someone one your side metaphorically hold your hand.

Alan then came to the station to give a statement and he kindly offered that I could stay with him and his wife Joanna until it was all resolved. I was so happy, the thought of going back alone to an empty hotel room was not a pleasant prospect.

We picked up Joanna and headed out to the village were they lived about 20mins outside Marrakech.  It was great not to be in a Police station.  Their house was beautiful, all cool polished concrete floors, and a lovely courtyard in the middle.

Alan and Joanna's Courtyard

my guards that night

After a much need gin and tonic and supper I headed to bed- as we had to go back to the Police station in the morning.

Wednesday 4th November

I woke early, while I had felt confident everything was going to be resolved the previous day, my confidence had now turned to doubt. I agonized over what to wear too- my clothes were not realing but showed too much arm…should I dress western? Moroccan? I settled on a 60s dress and Joanna’s jacket.

Just before we entered the Police Station  Alan stopped me and very kindly handed me a huge wadge of Moroccan currency. ‘I don’t mean to scare you, but there is small chance that they might prosecute you and take you to court. I want you to be prepared. You can buy things in prison, like a better room, food with this etc . Seriously it wouldn’t be that bad, my friend was in prison for 3 months and he said the worst thing was the boredom.’

And on wait a minute- PRISON! It was only then that the prospect of going to jail seemed real. Surely I could not be put in a paint peeling cell like the one I saw yesterday. I was fighting back the tears as we walked across the square with Alan’s money tucked in my pocket. Suddenly my freedom, which as a (largely) law abiding citizen I have taken for granted seemed incredibly precarious in this foreign land. I was a long way from home. I had brought a firearm to Africa, not declared it (in their eyes). Shit I was going down. Oh GOD! I’m too pretty for prison!!!!

‘Oh and take your sim card out of your phone that way you can take it into jail with you , if it comes to it’ ‘But I can’t I have an iphone- they are really tricky to open and there’s no time.’ Bloody ponsey technology, no good if you get banged up in Africa!

So with one last look at the blue sky and I headed into the station to hear the results of the analysis in Rabat.

‘Heeeey my friends!’ was the greeting we received from the mullet haired cop who had spoken to us yesterday. ‘I think that means I’m not going to jail!’ I thought. Unless it was just a ruse to stop me bolting.

After a nervous ten minutes it was clear that ‘Relax, there is no problem’ as we were assured that the gun and our story had checked out. But they were still waiting for official paperwork to come through before they could give me my passport back.

Big deep breath out.

When we got back to Alan’s later I booked my flight home- the thought of going back nearly made me cry.AGAIN.

Thursday 5th November

At 2pm we went back into the Police station for the third time, where I was given back my precious passport and they actually APOLOGISED for arresting me! What a relief, I was going home!

Passport back, very happy, wearing Alan's denim jacket for modesty!

Also a big thank you goes to Alan for spending about what felt like 3 days in the police station, Joanna for being so hospitable and kind, Matthew for his time and good humour and for all your kind messages. All those calls, posts and texts certainly cheered me up during those few days.

Needless to say I have learnt my lesson, and when I travelled to Dublin last week I did call up Air France in advance and the  Met Police looked over the gun before I boarded. It means I have to show up at the airport a little earlier, but its worth it. I never want to have to go through anything like that again.

Give up the gun I hear you say? Start using a prop that doesn’t fire bullets and won’t get you arrested? Now where would be the fun in that…..

Picture courtesy of Alan Keohane 'The Lotus Connection, with the little gun that caused a whole lotta palava

Funnily enough I wrote some of this while I was staying at the hotel-before the arrest….

Friday 30^th October

I have always wanted to go to Morocco since I read Bella Freud’s ‘Hideous Kinky’ as a teenager. I was so pleased when Cherry Shakewell (who gave me my first burlesque lesson)  put me forward for the gig of 2 nights worth of Go-Go dancing at Club Lotus in Marrakech.

Club Lotus

Riad Lotus where we were staying was a new hotel but it was beautifully designed: a great mix of modern European and traditional Moroccan style.

Riad Lotus

After a lounge by the pool and some meatballs,egg and tomato lunch we were taken to the night club. Club Lotus is a trendy and popular nightspot and we were told was probably the most ‘liberal’ club on Marrakech, but even the most liberal clubs do not allow burlesque so it was strictly fully clothed Go Go- fine by me!

pre-show dip

We arrived cautiously dressed in kaftans and shawls we need not have worried judging by the scantily clad models running around preparing for an evening fashion show. We were not dancing until midnight, so we met up with the photographer Alan Keohane who I had arranged a shoot  with for the next day. Alan is one of Marrakech’s top photographers- he took this famous picture of mountain girl which I love.

and as a Morocco resident for the past 20 years it was great to get an ex-pat perspective on the culture, and traditions and city.

Alan is also really reminds me of Michael Palin! Resemblance non?

We were also joined by his assistant Terry an ex-Brooklynite who would be on the shoot with us the next day.

King Mohammed VI, not Terry

We then heard a bit of history: Morocco still has a monarch. The current king above is apparently far more progressive and more popular than his father who called Morocco ‘his farm’. When the new king made his first speech he addressed them as his ‘fellow citizens’ as opposed to ‘my subjects’, this was revolutionary progress! Hurrah! His picture is everwhere too- I wish we had more picture of the Queen up.

I was also regaled with some great  stories from the 60s when the government tried to prevent hippies from entering the country they insisted all tourists must arrive with a suitcase instead of a backpack which lead to all these long haired bohemians arriving with rucksacks stuffed into cheap cases which were hastily disposed of on arrival.

My Moroccan 60s heroine- Talitha Getty

Sadly I did not manage to track down the Getty ‘Pleasure Palace’ when I was there- but photo’s of Talitha really inspired my photoshoot with Alan see http://minimadmodmuses.multiply.com/photos/album/8/Talitha_Getty

Moroccan trivia aside we had been asked to being CDs of 60s Go Go tracks, but on arrival in appeared our 20 min go to sets would look a bit clunky slotted in between the club house music policy. At about midnight we were helped onto our podiums, they were pretty narrow and 6ft off the ground! EEek! So it took me a little while to get my sea legs- I did that old trick of staring at a fixed point on the wall and tried not to look down. I like house music so it was fun to dance to that for a change. The locals also LOVE the Black Eyed Peas. Seriously as soon as ‘Boom Boom Boom’ came on all the girls screeched! Wow. After two 15 min sets we were whisked back to the Riad where we got an early night. ZZZzzz

Saturday 31^st October : Shoot day

primped and preened almost ready for my close up

The premise for the shoot was a kind of Bond Girl in Morocco type affair. With Cherry now on board we really could play around with double crossing and various weapons. Our first location was the sister Riad of the one were staying in, in the Medina, the old part of town.

a street in the Medina

You would never guess something so beautiful was down all those narrow streets.  I had brought lots of my favourite vintage boho clothes for the shoot so we had fun rifling though it all. Cherry loves the 60’s too so she brought some of her mothers original pieces. She looked like a delicious Russ Meyer villainess!  I think my favourite shot was of Cherry looking all Brit Eckland in a pink and gold harem dress and me lounging in a sequined belly dancer outfit nonchalantly smoking (well pretending to smoke )hooka.

Cherry and assistant photog Terry

Post shoot group photo

We headed back to our Riad for some lunch with Alan and Terry (who acted as a Dr Evil type stand in) and some final bedroom shots. Alan was super easy to work with as he had done a reccy of the locations so it was pretty smooth from shot to shot. We wrapped at about 5pm and post shoot Cherry and I enjoyed a bubble bath in gratuitously large tub, and more mint tea!

check out the heart shaped lumps! Fancy.

Then we headed down to Club Lotus of our final night of dancing.

Tired Go-Go Cat

We were expecting to fly back the next day but there had been a bit of a mis-communication and it turned out we were actually booked ok a 2pm Monday flight flying from Casablanca which was a 3 hour drive away!

There are definitely worse places to be stuck than a 5 star Riad so we quickly swallowed are disappointment at the thought of a hammam and lounge by the pool the next day. When we got back I fell onto the best seamless sleep, you know one of those sleeps where you wake up in the same position you fell asleep in. Heaven.

I had wanted initially to explore the old town but we were told that without a male chaperone it was inadvisable plus with Cherry being blonde we were guaranteed unwanted attention. So with an enforced day of inactivity we embraced the loafing nattering by the pool and slotted in a hammam (lovely) before more loafing, more eating and then watched Spiderman in our hotel room.
Monday 1^st November

After a midnight mosquito swatting session

Results: Cherry and Lynchy: 1 bite

Mosquitoes: 3 dead

Result: We massively WON!

We woke for our journey to Casablanca. The 3 hour journey is literally down one straight road. After a slightly nerve-wracking police stop (little did I know….)where the driver had his papers checked for 15 mins, we arrived at the airport only to find that our booking had been cancelled due to a mess up at the Lotus’s travel agents! Noooooo!

So the driver had to be called back and we made another 3 hour journey back to Marrakech….would we EVER get home??

Friday: Bestival was upon us again last weekend, the last festival of the summer! Last year the festival was plagued by a LOT of rain, so we were all keeping our fingers crossed for an Indian summer. We lucked out it was beauuuutiful!

My space boots drying at Time for Tease by Liz Collier

I was performing 6 shows, 4 at Time for Tease Tent and 1 on in the Big Top and 1 on the Main Stage. Time for Tease has a great atmosphere and its always a nice atmosphere backstage. Everyone there are seasoned burlesque professionals, Zoe is super organised and stage manager extraordinaire Sean Mooney was there to make sure everything ran super smooth, which it did. My festival partner in crime Kitty Bang Bang was there too, not only one of the most high energy and best performers on the circuit she can always be relied upon for minksy fun.

Pretty Kitty and I at Camp Bestival 2009

Saturday: After my ‘Carry On’ show at Time for Tease on Friday I had a reasonably early night, (still exhausted from Paris) and then spent most of Saturday putting finishing touches to my Barbarella costume. I have been performing my Barbarella show for over two years, and I have slowly been upgrading the costume, it gets tired after so many moon landings!

For my first ever Barbarella show I wore some pretty bad thigh high silver stripper boots (they were the only silver boots I could find) and a customised shirt sprayed silver. I’m actually pretty bad in seriously high heels so those boots were a NIGHTMARE.  Anyway the costume is now much improved. New additions include: my original 1960s ex-BBC helmet and space pack from the big Angels costume sale, I had to get up at 4am but it was worth it, new flaming lazer gun! It’s still a bit trial and error getting it to work properly but I love the zap of flame it gives, plus super sparkly new trim on my boots and suit!

New suit in action by Mr Mockingbird!

After my Barbarella show at Time for Tease I ran over to the Big Top where I had enlisted the help of Kitty Bang Bang and Mr Cutlass as my Martian backing dancers. I’m a huge fan of catsuits and I was very kindly supplied these green zentai suits by www.legwearuk.co.uk . I use their white and leopard print suits in my acts- I love them.  Kitty and Cutlass looked ‘out of this world’…..ha ha

Backstage at the Big Top

The Big Top is the biggest tent at Bestival so it was a fun show, although the DJ did lean on my CD and stop it half way through and then ran away from the deck! Leaving me standing helmet in hand, in silence! Luckily the music started again so after a bit of filling I was back on track. Phew.

After a cat nap I headed back to Time for Tease for the midnight Barbarella show. It was packed out, the atmosphere was great, the rose wine woke me up. Result.

Post show Kitty and I headed over to catch Paloma Faith in the Red Bull Tent. What a great set! I loved her harlequin space costume for one. Paloma used to peform on the burlesque cabaret circuit (although sadly I never worked with her) and it really comes through on her face and actions, it was awesome! Bravo!

www.blinklondon.com

Exhausted I crawled into my tent- Main Stage tomorrow!

Sunday: After my final afternoon show at Time for Tease I headed to the Main Stage. The 12 year old girl inside of me still gets excited when I get backstage passes. I think I must be like that scene in ‘Wayne’s World’ brandishing my shiny wristband to burly security guards and then trying to walk with the feeling: ‘Yes I’m supposed to be here…..oh shit there’s Kate Moss! Don’t look! You don’t want to look un-cool! Nonchalance Lynchy, remember nonchalance!’

All the production staff at Bestival are awesome. Rob da Bank , who runs the entire festival with his partner Josie, is actually walking around the whole time making sure everything is going to plan and still remembers everyone’s names. It’s the fourth time I have worked for them so I feel almost seasoned. Sarah Holgate works for artist liaison and I met her the first time I did Camp Bestival and we really hit it off. Not only is she super efficient but also incredibly nice and gorgeous too! We are now proper friends and it’s always great to work with her. I hope one day I can afford to hire her as my ‘nice-but-don’t-mess-with-manger’. I can dream.

I was soo excited and a bit nervous about the Mains Stage, I was going on just before The Doves, so the crowd was pretty huge.

View from Main Stage!

My friend Lou had replaced Kitty as Martian number 2 so we were all set. As I made my way across the stage I could make out the crowd through my visor! 1000s!  But then I heard some one MC’ing. Yes that’s right MC-ing over my Space Odyssey music. Confused, I took off my helmet gave a salute and whoever it was kept saying things like ‘touch your willy’ ‘pull your pants down’ ‘sexy time’. Soooo offensive, embarrassing and downright rude. How would you like it if I pulled you mic out and danced over your set Mr MC? Grrrrrrr! I still enjoyed it, but sadly my attempts to vaporize the MC with my lazer gun failed!

Anyway I soon forgot about it- with my last show done it was now my night off and time to have some fun! I then bumped into the lovely Elbow front man Guy Garvey. Last year I was in their video for their single Grounds For Divorce, where we spent the day gallivanting round a replica Wild West town in Kent. It’s my favourite video I have done so far by. plus I get to start a bar fight.

Guy has one of the nicest voices you can imagine- so nice he even has his own radio show which I am a listener of, check out his dulcid tones here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/6music/shows/garvey/biog.shtml

Giving the slaute while watching Doves

Elbow were brilliant, what a perfect Sunday night spot! Later we all ended up in Carl Cox, who smashed it, he really looked like he was having a good time too. There was also this huge electronic robot on stage too- does anyone know who it is? I want to work with him!

After Carl Cox we hit some late night parties, and accosted a pineapple who amazingly stayed with us for the rest of the night. After turning in finally at 9am we were pretty much the only people left on the campsite at 4pm. Ooops.

I heart you Bestival!

Aurelia Thevenin shoot, Gentry de Paris Revue and Pascale Lourmand Exhibition

5:15am: Eurostar, Kings Cross London: Well the law finally caught up to me and I had my Agent Lynch pistol confiscated at Kings Cross Eurostar! Nooo. Apparently since there is no hold luggage on the train, they had fears I could brandish it en-route and hold up the buffet car for a continental breakfast. Luckily, I managed to persuade them not to put in the bin and to let me pick it up on my return the next day. But still major bums as I was planning to use it in my photoshoot. Damn you international terrorism!

10:30am: I arrived at studio Daguerre in Paris for my shoot with the fashion photographer Aurélia Thévenin at Studio Daguerre. I sadly don’t speak much French past my rubbish GCSE level stuff ’ Ou est le hotel de ville? anyone?’. However while my knowledge of French town planning was next to useless it amazing how much you can understand by using your hands and smiling.

The shoot was more cheesecake than my usual style but I enjoyed camping it up with a pistachio macaroon to match my new James Bond show dress. It was a fun shoot, lots of leaping in the air, and I got to eat the macaroon after. In my head I was in a Clinque Happy ad- so Fraaaanch! Then it was a quick change into my Barbarella lingerie. Click. Click. Click.

12:30pm: My friend Vicky Butterfly arrived, Vicky is one of my favourite performers so it was lovely to see her. Her black costume was simply divine, belle epoque!

2:30pm: We then wandered back to Lalla Morte’s apartment where we were staying for the night picking up some flowers and chocolates for the Gentry de Paris Revue girls on the way.

6:30pm: After a bath, and a little rest we headed out to for a pre-theatre steak dinner with Cherry Shakewell andTrixie sparkle in Pigalle.

My Sarajevo Festival buddy Lady Flo and Trixie Sparkles

8pm: We arrived at the Casino de Paris for the Gentry de Paris Revue. Gentry is a brilliant promoter and performer. I debued my Je t’aime show at her night in Paris in May and my good friend Millicent Binks was perfoming too. Dita was performing her Cointreauversial Martini glass show and her new spectacular The Opium Den as well. Triple whammy!

Me, Lalla, Vicky and Chrys Columbine pre show!

Papped by the lovely Nirit Sumeruk

We sat down at our table, bought some silly priced champagne and tried to make it last for the whole show. You can read a lovely revue of the show here: http://www.pinup.me.uk/from-strength-to-strength-the-gentry-de-paris-revue-with-dita-von-teese/

Gentry on her star!

Dita's Opium Den Show

It was faboosh! Highlights for me were seeing Binksy peel off her petals and Dita’s new Opium Den show. Congratulations to Gentry for pulling off such an ambitious project with aplomb! We heard it got better and better with every show.

11:30 pm: Then it was off to Kube Hotel for the Pascale Lourmand Exhibition and Dita’s afterparty. It was exciting to see all our pictures on the wall! I modelled for the exhibition back in July in the Kube’s Ice Bar. It was -20 degrees with wind machine, in diamond underwear! How I suffer for my art.

Millicent Binks, Cherry Shakewell, Trixie Sparkle, Julietta La Doll and Mimi Monmartre and Vicky Butterfly were also in the pictures. Here is mine, bravo Pascale!

We all drunkenly piled into the ice bar- funnily enough not feeling so cold anymore!

Beautiful Binksy!

Vicky Butterfly

Julietta La Doll and Albert

3am: After some mingling, a lot of cocktails and a dance off to Gentry’s DJ skills I liberated my tired toots from my swarovski sandals and caught a taxi back about 3am to Lalla’s and said good bye to Paris. ZZZzzz

xxx

Agent Lynch VIP Tent By Lee

 BazalgetteIt’s the first time I have been to Reading, the crowd are a bit younger than most of the festivals I perform at. You get the feeling that these kids have saved up their money to come all summer, and they are bloody well going to make the most of it! I like it!

There does not seem to be an awful lot of stuff going on apart from big stages and burger vans. But, I guess when your headliners are Kings of Leon, The Prodigy, Radiohead and Arctic Monkeys that’s quite a lot of entertainment.

The crowd just before The Prodigy

Giving a pretty limp-wristed salute. Check out my emo nail polish though.

The Prodigy  absolutely NAILED it! They still have so much energy and they played a great mix of older and new stuff. I could not go crazy in the mosh because of my show, but I did definitely slosh some of my cider in excitement when ‘Voodoo people’ came on. Whoop!After The Prodigy I went to check out the stage and how the transformation of the Alternative tent to VIP was coming along. I have no idea how they transformed it so fast! Checking out the tent. I would have loved to have seen those sofa’s the next day….

White sofas+festival=danger!

Pigalle and some of the VIP team who made it all happen!

The crowd!

Then it was back to the dressing room to beautify and eat salami.

MMM cold cuts!

Kalki the Hulu girl was performing too. Hilariously, I said to her ‘I saw this great Hula Girl at Tassel Club at Pigalle’ and it was her. Check her out! Dead fancy with all those hoops!

Kalki By Lee Bazalgette

Our host Veronica. One of the people behind one of my favourite clubs, Shunt Vaults

The music in the tent was great-( pretty lady DJ with feathers in her hair, I don’t know your name) So the crowd we pretty up for it at 2:15am when I started my Moonwalk. I did the electro version of the Barbarella show to Fake Blood’s ‘Mars‘. I love it. You can check out Fake Blood here www.myspace.com/welovefakeblood

Here are some more pictures taken by the incredibly chirpy even at 3am VIP camera man Lee Bazalgette:

Happy VIP punters by Lee Bazalgette

I did not stay for the Sunday night as I had work to do. The festival was sold out, so I managed to wrestle my weekend wristband from my hand on the way out in the hope of giving it to some cheeky looking kid, dying to see Radiohead. The strip leading up to Reading is crawling with touts. I heard a young girl being given some spiel by a tout for a ticket, so I turned round and said- ‘here have my wristband for free!’ and walked off. The tout shouted after us ‘Wankers!’ and made some very vulgar gestures. I’m a lady so I did not shout back. But here is my response: IN YOUR FACE TOUT! haha. You just got foiled by Agent Lynch!

So that was the penultimate festival of the summer, The VIP team are heading to Electric Picnic in Ireland this weekend, so be sure to check out their tent. The last festival of the summer- Bestival is in two weeks. Blimey where did the summer go?

Next week is looking pretty busy, I’m off to Paris on Wednesday for a jam packed day and night of a photo shoot with Aurelia Thevenin and going to see my friends Millicent Binks and Gentry perform in the sure-to-be amazing Gentry de Paris Revue (with Dita!). Get your tickets here: www.gentrydeparisrevue.com  and then I’m partying my little polyester-mix socks off.

Signing off until next week,

Lynchy xxx

SARAJEVO MAGAZINE 23, septembar 2009. godine, foto: Vladimir Žuržulović

They're behind you!

It was the first time that there has EVER been Burlesque in Bosnia, never mind Sarajevo. So I was a tad nervous about the reception we were going to get, especially as I was the first strip-teaser on the bill…

The event was organised by the Burlesquer and Sarajevo native Lada Redstar, chanteuse and host Lady Flo and her agency Neo Retro, along with AG&CY who are based in Sarajevo and made sure everything ran super smooth for us.

Day 1: Hello Sarajevo!

After a long flight I arrived on Saturday 15^th August about 10pm a little bleary eyed. I was met there by Lalla Morte from belle Paris and agency rep Jamilla. Lalla and I have lots of mutual friends so it was great to meet in person, and we hit it off a treat. After a lovely catch up Campari with the other girls at a bar called Goldfish (they gave us free grapes and have a 1970s mini TV in the toilet) we headed back to our apartment in the old town for some much needed beauty sleep.

Day 2: Say Cheese!

In the morning we caught a taxi to a restaurant called ‘The Four Rooms of Madame Sophia’ for the ‘Burlesque Voyage’ Press conference. It had a kind of boudoir ‘Hollywood Hills’ sort of feel. It was pretty nerve wracking as we saw all the press arrive and we kept on sneaking peaks of them from the balcony.

Coooeeee!

With all the press assembled we were ushered down and the conference began in Bosnian not English! Lada was of course fluent but the rest of us had to rely on our lovely translator Maja. She was great, but after a while I gave up trying to keep track of what was being said and tried to look as unselfconsciously glamorous on the sofa as I could. They had also put out lots of delicious cake as it was a press ‘brunch’ but sadly I think we were all too nervous to eat them. I hate letting good cake go to waste. Grrr.

Later we had some thankfully English language interviews. Some of the questions were for teenage magazines such as:‘What do you think of Bosnian men?’

Us: ‘Not sure but all the girls are hot!’ ( it’s true all high cheekbones and graceful jaws- check out Idda our Pin-Up below!)

The best question was: ‘Would you go back and time and live in the past if you could?’ Interestingly, for most of us the answer was ‘no’. I love what the 1960s brought to us culturally, I romanticise it. However while the 60s was a decade of social and sexual revolution, I am thankful to live in the society I live in today. I know in terms of equality, I have opportunities open to me that I would not have back then. Also on a stylistic note if I lived in the 60s, everyone would be dressing 60s and I would just be another ‘dollybird’, and I’m not sure I could carve a career out of that!

After the press conference and photocall we went to the Coloseum Casino to rehearse and for one final photoshoot. Poor Lada and Flo had their work cut out with numerous sound and light checks. My shows were fairly straight forward technically however, so Lalla Morte and I slipped out to use our festival passes to go and see a wonderful documentary called ‘Cash and Marry’. The documentary told the tale of a Macedonian guy and his Serbian friend and their quest to find a cash bride for a European passport. Hilariously when Atanas’s mum bemoans his lack of employment she even suggests he works in the Macedonian porn industry and ‘work his way up.’ Giving an insight into the world of illegal immigration and marriages this is a story of friendship and also love. The film also really made me appreciate how lucky I am to have a UK passport, something I have always taken for granted. Check it out: www.cashandmarry.com

Day 3: Curtain call!

The big show! After rehearsals and siesta we arrived to get ready. After the usual panic of ‘I can’t find my gloves!’ (me) and ‘My bra is broken’ (Lada) we were all ready. After Lady Flo’s introduction and first musical number, I was the first strip-teaser on. I was unsure about how the crowd would react…luckily they ooh and ahhed at my fire magic tricks (I imagine under some pre-coaching from Lady Flo) and as soon as The Kinks ‘All of the day and all of the night’ burst out they joined in a reassuring claps and cheers as I fired my gun, pouted and wriggled out of my catsuit. Next up was Lalla Morte who was wheeled onto the stage in her suitcase (her signature move). But, there was some confusion with the soundtrack and poor Lala was trapped in the suitcase on stage for minutes before she could pop out of it. But ever the professional it did not show as she performed her French routine with a jaunty baguette and some je ne sais quoi!

Lada’s ‘Hawaii’ act was lovely, her glitter bath in her clam shell looked very glamorous, although the glycerine in the water made back stage a slippery and glittery death trap!

Lady Flo took to the stage as her character ‘Lady Elvis’ with her co-host Mr Royal and the Elvis numbers went down a treat (Lalla and I even took to the stage as impromptu backing dancers for ‘Viva Las Vegas!). Together they did a great job of holding the show all-together. Bravo!

My second act, a Russian twist on my classic Barbarella show went down well, I’m not sure if it was the communist flag or the new lighting in my helmet.

Lala’s ‘In the mood for love’ act was silhouetted behind a screen and I have never seen any other dancer make going en-pointe for minutes at a time look so effortless!

Them for the finale it was Lada’s ‘Balkan Tease’. Lada, dressed in traditional Bosnian attire went from pained widow to a brilliant gypsy-style dance finish. It was a touching end for the first ever night of Burlesque in Bosnia. We all whooped backstage, peeking trough the curtain and the crowed clapped along and cheered to the familiar Bosnian music. As our agency rep Jamilla would say ‘Oooh YES!’ Lada even inspired me to get my own traditional Bosnian hat as a memento of my trip.

Day 4: Holiday

The next day we went to brunch and gorged ourselves on traditional Sarajevo meats and watermelon. We then went to see a short film about a deaf boy with a seriously cute 70s style haircut, who enters a public speaking competition. Needless to say Lalla and I were weeping be the end while Flo had fallen asleep and whose head was rolling perilously close to the man on her right.

That night we were the also ‘special guests’ of the Sarajevo film festival for Mickey Rourke. Surreal and pretty hilarious to say the least. We assumed it was going to be a party with Mickey in a roped off area, and us mere mortals in the crowd. However, we taken to a tiny Moroccan style room at the back of the club and there he was sitting with his stylist. Alone. I was too embarrassed to even shake his hand when were introduced and all my small talk went out the window. He did however take quite a shine to Lalla Morte, but let’s face it who can blame him!

Day 5: Bon Voyage

The gun that almost got me into trouble!

I kissed the girls goodbye and headed to the airport. Strangely before you check-in at Sarajevo airport you have to walk through at metal detector and put your luggage through X-ray.

Now, I always have to take a lot of strange objects away when I travel for work. My chain mail costume which is so heavy I have to carry it as hand luggage, always gets turned out at Gate Security. However I always pack my stage gun (an Olympic blank firing pistol, if you must know) in my hold luggage. While the gun itself is totally legal, and harmless apart from the very loud bangs it makes, I figure they probably don’t want me packing a piece in my hand luggage on Easyjet.

As my hold luggage went through the X-ray, sure enough I was pulled aside, and asked to open up my suitcase on a very public table at the entrance of the airport.

Now where did I pack that gun??? Que minutes of union jack knickers, bras, and space suits flying to ground as I scrambled around in a slight nervous frenzy trying to find the bloody thing.

‘It’s for the stage, it’s not real!’ I smiled sweetly to the gruff looking guard. Well, at least my suitcase backed up my story. While I pride myself on looking like a 1960s fictional spy, I imagine I look like a pretty unlikely terrorist. Gun finally retrieved I handed it over. The guard examined it, spinning the barrel. (I think he was enjoying it) then to my horror he pointed the gun down to the floor and pulled the trigger! My stomach lurched – it was loaded with blanks! Thankfully the gun just made a quiet ‘click’. Phew! The guard then smiled, handed me back the gun and took my Agent Lynch business card to show his fellow guard. Security infiltrated by the Lynch yet again! Ah-ha!

So, that was my ‘could-be-construed-as-dramatic’ finale to my trip to Sarajevo which thankfully ended we me boarding a connecting flight to London and not in a Bosnian Police station. Result.

To see more pictures from the trip click here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/41818386@N08/sets/72157621994423345/

Also thank you for all the messages from all the people who came to watch our Burlesque Voyage show and a big thank you to Lada and Flo. Hopefully I will be invited back next year for an even bigger and better show.  I think we have given Bosnia the Burlesque bug!

Signing off,

Agent L. x

Burlesque Revolution! In Bosnian Grazia!